In Episode 242 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Fred returns from the dead-to-us zone with a full vacation report from Hilton Head Island, and yes, somehow it starts with synthetic farts. The crew welcomes new Canadian listener Dale, recaps the damage done while Fred was gone, and then dives into Fred’s family vacation disaster: a pre-trip parking lot collision, a confusing Hilton Head resort layout, broken elevators, room-switching chaos, glitter ice, hurricane drinks, beach logistics, and a golf outing that ends with a terrifying low-flying ball headed toward civilization. Parker, Fred, and Allan turn vacation complaints, resort design, golf prices, AI farts, shiny poop, and bad driving into exactly the kind of absurd comedy BLC fans keep pretending they are emotionally prepared for. Listen now for vacation stories, sarcastic banter, and a strong warning against decorative ice: https://americasfavoritepodcast.com
In Episode 242 of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, Fred is back, alive to the show again, and immediately welcomed with the kind of dignity this program is famous for: a discussion about synthetic farts, AI-generated gas, and the need for “real farts” in modern podcasting. It is, somehow, a return to normal.
The crew kicks things off by welcoming a new listener, Dale from Canada, before revisiting the emotional damage caused by Fred missing the previous episode. Parker and Allan remind him that, in his absence, they were forced to slap together a show without him and do all the things he would normally veto. Fred, naturally, did not listen. Friendship is beautiful.
From there, Fred launches into the main story: his family vacation to Hilton Head Island. Before the trip even begins, he manages to back into an elderly woman’s car while trying to buy a shirt for a funeral, which is pretty much the perfect tone-setter for any relaxing getaway. Once the family arrives at the Hilton Head resort, things do not get much smoother. The resort is described as a confusing four-building maze with offset rectangles, broken elevators, long walks, inconvenient room layouts, and a setup that seems specifically designed to punish anyone traveling with kids, luggage, or a working sense of direction.
The group has to reshuffle rooms after discovering one unit is spacious enough for the whole family while the other is basically vacation Tetris. Then there is the long walk to the beach, a convenient bar at the end of the boardwalk, and Fred’s encounter with the “hurricane challenge,” which escalates exactly as irresponsibly as expected.
The vacation continues with glitter ice, the fear of shiny poop, expensive golf, rain, Hilton Head golf course prices, and one terrifying stinger of a golf shot that may or may not have launched across the island’s main road. Nobody was arrested, so technically the vacation was a success.
It is a classic BLC episode: weird, loud, sarcastic, and mostly a warning label.
fasten your seatbelts it's going to be a bumpy night welcome to the black lincoln collective podcast oh it's gonna be fun we can stay up late swapping manless stories in the morning i'll make it your host featuring the sultry sounds of red and also alan on the board oh let's start the damn show welcome welcome one and all you gotta get it when you can get it the 242nd edition of the blc podcast ladies and gentlemen hey we gotta get rid of them synthetic farts fred's back i need some real farts so yeah we're making gas prices go down slightly for about an hour every other wednesday thank you for that one did sound kind of robot-y like they had a farting robot some ai farts yeah yeah yeah where's the real deal at hey come on ai's be eating beans and giving us ai farts we need to tell people that we don't use ai on this show unless we can't come up with anything that would make you go oh yeah that would hurt that one's like a ripper and it just feels good it's like yeah i wanted to say thank you to all the new listeners but i'm pretty sure they're gone by now so if you're still here thank you for your patience and possibly your slight deafness actually we do have a new listener dale he lives out in canada there you go in canada yeah dale earner hey hey hey dale hey exactly well welcome to the show dale yeah i guess and if you're a listener and you have a name send it in i'll say welcome aboard everybody so yeah check us out you know rate review broadcasting scattered uh youtube and fair america's favorite podcast common fred there you go hey man yeah back i'm back he's back he's no longer dead to us well i'm not i'm alive to you and as always guy otb now he's the old new fred i'm the old new fred he's the old new fred i'm the fred new old so of course fred alan and i were forced to slap dash together a show without you last week much to the chagrin of everyone you too with or without you i hope you enjoyed it i hope if you listen to it i hope you enjoyed it because we have to do all the things fred it was right let's us do oh man you heard it man next week we're gonna have black eyes all right if you if you heard what he's gonna do to us during the break yeah we had our meeting last night he said fred you listen to last week's show he's like no i did not and that's fine that was what we said would happen so fred while you were while the cat was yeah the mice we did play but from what we heard you might have played too i did it was a cool vacation i did i want to uh i was on prices right and i want a vacation down to beautiful hilton head island that is exactly what i was trying to sound like a new car a new guy no yeah we took you get a 1988 dodge pinto yeah we went on our biannual family vacation my wife's side of family so they wanted to go to hilton head they drove 12 hours to go to hilton head that's that's how that's but they wanted to go to myrtle that's how far it is away from some place yeah but why would you want to go to myrtle that's what i was saying that's why we were like nah we want to go i mean for the touristy people yeah like if you want to go to like a touristy beach right stupid and that's not where like i wanted to go i didn't want to go where all the young people are man right you know we're not no we had we had little kids you know i'm saying maybe when the kids are teenagers we'll take on myrtle no no even less worse yeah that's way worse that's way worse right yeah so yeah but we went down there and so first of all al i gotta tell you this because like you don't know you don't know yet you don't know so friday you know it was my last day of work we were leaving out saturday i do know oh you do know everybody knows everybody knows on monday yeah damn they had a what what they do a knife safety uh briefing on it oh did they oh my god did you cut yourself no uh so like i had a funeral to go to like friday so like i was gonna no it wasn't okay i had a like i had a shirt and then i was gonna wear i was gonna take my clothes with me and just change and then you know go and go back to work but my shirt was too tight i'm so such a fatty you know i'm saying my shirt was too tight couldn't suck it in right so i was like let me go to the department store boom run in get this shirt yeah you know and then run right back out i get out and i'm backing my truck out and there's cars like parked right behind me like and ran right into that lady like she wasn't there when i looked because i looked you know i know i always look and allegedly yeah i know i did that shit okay so like and she said it was an old lady mr i knew i should took friday off i don't know why i didn't take friday off like you know i don't know why i just didn't take friday off let's teach you mr funeral do you want to eulogize the person now on the show what do you want to give a shout out an r.i.p no i'm not gonna do that because i'm not gonna do that because like i didn't get it wasn't like my person i knew the person okay like it wasn't my person so like you know i got you you don't want to know who died oh i was like i thought that was in my that was you that was in your head so i just wanted to shirt at dillard's yeah that was my the start of my vacation like whatever like the drive down wasn't that bad we didn't hit much traffic or whatnot so i'm glad you didn't hit anything yeah exactly uh-huh yeah i mean so did you drive or were you like yeah we were yeah no i didn't drive no uh okay i played that yeah i was living for the day i drive for a living i drive for a living so i'm not i think that's totally fair i think that's really fair if you're like you know i'm i had not had the best driving day yeah not risking it not doing it so you know we get down there okay and so where we were staying and and fuck this place it's called hilton head resort enemy of the show enemy of this show i'll tell you that right now so we get there and there's four buildings uh-huh fuck three stories there's like a ground floor and then through four four stories up all these buildings are rectangles now you gotta stay with me on this one now okay i'm building this picture of my mind this yeah you build the build it just took me a second because i was like the building has a ground floor right yes i knew it just yeah it has a ground floor but like there are things on the ground floor like you can do things on the ground so it's called that's called a mixed use development so it's got retail on the on the background no no no no not like stores or anything okay so okay let me let me tell you yeah activities okay so elevators and the carpet so yeah yeah they got that yeah the elevators there's bike rentals you know i'm saying the pool is on the so they're all rectangles i'm glad the pool's on the bottom floor no you're right you're right really nice places that i can't afford have pools on the roof right that's dumb that's crazy that's not but so they're rectangles and they're all they're not in a row right they're side by side but not in a row like they're all set kind of okay so like a corner of one building will touch the corner of another building or come very close yeah they're i mean they they connect oh but they're offset so instead of being like poorly being like boom boom boom they're like boom boom boom boom you know what i mean for the listeners at home who are listening to this fred is booming i'm very around his room you have to so like you said imagine did you say three buildings four four buildings there's four buildings now from the outside right okay i get it i see what's happening here but once you get in to it's a fucking maze it's like you're walked into narnia and you can't get out because like it just you keep walking around and you can't see from the ground floor so okay so our room we had a room in building one on the third floor we had a building we had a room in building two on the first floor okay uh her her mother has a disability so we were like we're gonna put her on the first floor right totally makes sense yeah so you know she doesn't have that much she don't have to do stairs or anything like that right the elevator for her building is out in between the building the elevator in between building one and two which we were staying in is out so you have to go to the elevator between two and three to use the elevator and then carry your ass back right you have to go okay you have to go down yeah yeah right up and then back across because our room is on the other side right you know i'm saying and so okay all right how long do you think how long does that trip from the edge of the second building to you guys are in the first building is that five minute walk yeah it's about it's a five minute walk it's a five minute walk so like which for a person with a disability that could be an issue yeah that's a lot yeah i mean and plus like you have to go to building i have to go to building one to the third floor right so like if i want to go down yeah i can do that but like it's just way more you know what i'm saying yeah so like but many steps our rooms were like really close to each other like they were at the end of building two when we were on the end of building one so like we were theoretically you would have been perfectly if that elevator was there i could just boom it would have been super sweet so now we have to do all this walking fuck you hilton head resort we were like let's go to let's go to let's put her mother's and father's stuff in that first room on the first floor okay and then we'll take the rest of the stuff up right to the to the third floor to our room so we get in there boom the rooms are nice they're small but they're nice there's a master bedroom and then there's like a a bedroom we got six kids with it you know i'm saying with her brother and sister a lot of kids brother and sister-in-law they have three kids we have three kids we were gonna put all the kids in here with mom and dad and then brother-in-law and sister-in-law and us will stay in the other room we're thinking these rooms are the same they're not the same they're not the same this room that first room had a big bed had like a a king size bed in the master bedroom and then like a queen size bed in the kids room and two bunk bed and a bunk bed like a bunk bed so we was like yeah this would be great for the uh for them you know i'm saying they got everybody's got enough room we'll all have enough room so we take we unload go up to the third floor with the rest of the stuff and we get there that room is half the size there's no way like it was uh it was a double in the master bedroom okay and then a single in uh in in the kids room plus the bunk bed so like a lot it was like so now we're like fuck now we gotta switch a room yeah we have to take all the stuff back and then it's hot it's hot down there already it's hot you know what i'm saying oh yeah fucking total catastrophe with that shit so we get unpacked and all that shit we go down it's nice it's got a like a boardwalk to the beach like a 10 minute walk to the beach across the boardwalk to the swamp you know i mean like over the glades it's it's it's more like 20 minutes it was that's more yeah it's more so it's like a 20 minute walk i was out what it was said but you could but you could but i was just rethinking i was like yeah but you can you could get there pretty quick if there's benches along the way right and uh so like the next day they go down to the beach and i'm tired so i sleep in a little bit right i told him i beat him down there you were i walk over to the uh i walk back over to across the boardwalk and get to the beach like as soon as you cross the boardwalk that's a bar right there this is the reason friend was lost the entire since he found that bar couldn't find anything else to wrestle the trip i was like well i was like let me uh let me pregame before i go down you know they had this thing it was called the hurricane challenge they had like five different hurricanes no friend category one through five friend's making mistakes already on vacation he started out his pre-vacation mistakes i was like the kids are you know do you can i walked over the dunes five hurricanes like i walked over the dunes and i saw like everybody out there playing and i was like okay they're cool i'll go get me yeah i was like he walked he didn't quite get to the dunes yeah realistically he walked over he's like i don't hear anything they're all counted them all and then he jumped out he jumped away real quick just in case someone one of them looked so i'm sitting there in the bar like on my third hurricane i think i'm drinking the the category three okay what is the care are they stronger are they just different yeah yeah like one is the i think it's only one liquor it's i think it's i think that's what it was it was like wow this is hurricane one was just like vodka the next one was like vodka rum you know vodka rum tequila y'all man dude you were gonna be wasted oh my god shit oh my looking pretty good you never made it to the beach okay so you had three you're yeah i had three and then like i'm finishing up but i'm looking at my ice you know i don't like it's it's really sparkly like oh no i was like what the hell it looks like glitter in there and i went to the bar i was like is there glitter in the ice he's like yeah that's that's a thing that's what we do you know it's festive whatever i was like damn it now i'm shiny poop yeah again your number one vacation shiny shits again so they put glitter in there yeah i don't know i i hate everything about this vacation yeah i'm gonna be honest with you no elevator 10 to 20 minute walk right or ice this is shaping up to be the worst vacation since my dog we played uh we went play golf the next day we went play golf we went play golf next okay how'd you shoot how'd you hit the it was okay do they allow folks like you it rained it rained though it's the only reason yeah they were like all right it's raining all right it rained no one will see him out there go ahead when we first started it was like a light little drizzle you know so it wasn't that bad but by the time we hit the term which is like hole 10 yeah like it started coming down bro like and we like this was hilton head island so like right you're gonna pay for that you know we paid a little extra because oh yeah supposed to be supposed to be a nicer course was supposed to be the greatest course in the history yeah it's supposed to be real nice of course it's over you know almost 150 for a round i don't know what that means is that what okay so what's like up here in green right all right up here what's your average 20 bucks 50 60 bucks 50 bucks yeah yeah 50 60 bucks yeah yeah i mean that's that's about it used to be cheaper but right i thought it used to be a few yeah it used to be yeah it used to be and charlotte it's like the trump one is 80 bucks really yeah take a shit in the hole it's it's a beautiful it's it's actually i did take a shit in one of those it wasn't gold plated or nothing that's why that's probably why they hooked you up with glitter i took a shit on seven you should have you should have drank some of that glitter ice first time then take a shit in it i had a nice year on the green i've ever seen so shiny i wrote my name on the green and urine the grass and spelled my name out podcast but yeah i there there was one hole though like it uh it goes right along the road kind of like the the golf course near your house island yeah how how that hole is just right there oh yeah yeah i hit a stinger man that wasn't it wasn't five feet high it was traveling at least 100 miles an hour like straight and like hilton head that road is the main road like hilton head island just has pretty much one road yeah one road that wraps around the whole island right and i sent a stinger right through that motherfucker man oh my god like i didn't i didn't i don't know because like there was like bushes so i'm hope i'm hoping like the bushes caught it but like i don't think so that was really anyway so you didn't get arrested i didn't get around we kept playing so nobody yeah well they should know that if you're if you're driving by a golf course yeah oh yeah yeah and there's so many golf courses down there man that's right i buy a strip club sometimes some one time the door's gonna be open and you might see a titty yeah yeah