The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast returns with “It’s Monkey Time! Episode 239,” an aggressively unqualified journey through DMV nightmares, suspicious charity car donations, fake vacation vouchers, restaurant coupon purgatory, T-Mobile internet betrayal, and the eternal question: why does every “free” thing somehow cost $400? Parker recounts the saga of accidentally riding dirty for two years thanks to a donated vehicle, a suspended license, and Heritage for the Blind apparently operating like a side quest from hell. Fred and Allan pile on with the kind of sarcastic commentary that makes bureaucracy feel almost entertaining, which is deeply concerning. Along the way, the crew hits restaurant.com weirdness, sketchy hotel “rewards,” driver’s license photo regret, and corporate refund rage. Listen now for absurd comedy, unhelpful life lessons, and the finest bad decisions money can’t legally buy: https://americasfavoritepodcast.com
In “It’s Monkey Time! Episode 239” of The Black Lincoln Collective Comedy Podcast, things kick off exactly how you’d expect: a little technical confusion, some talk about Fred’s temporary tooth situation, a questionable planet fact, and Allan wasting no time setting the mood with the kind of greeting only this show could get away with. In other words, everything is right on schedule.
The big story this week is Parker’s nightmare trip through the wonderful world of the DMV, charity car donations, and paperwork that apparently matters way more two years later than it did at the time. After trying to update his driver’s license, Parker finds out his license has allegedly been suspended for two years because of a donated vehicle that was never handled properly. Naturally, this turns into a full-blown quest involving Heritage for the Blind, missing documentation, and the soul-crushing phrase “another department.”
Then come the “rewards” for donating the car, which somehow make the whole thing even worse. The promised $200 restaurant gift card turns out to be restaurant.com credits, which is technically food-adjacent but spiritually offensive. The free vacation voucher is not much better, unless your dream getaway involves mailing in paperwork, paying fees, and maybe winding up in Branson or Fargo.
The DMV adventure adds another layer, with Parker trying to fix the issue, explain the missing VIN number, get a temporary license, and process the fact that the DMV employees were actually helpful. The real tragedy, though, is his new license photo, which apparently makes him look like he’s about to show up angry at a school board meeting.
Fred also jumps in with his own $400 T-Mobile home internet drama, proving once again that companies can take your money instantly but return it at the speed of a medieval messenger.
It’s an episode about scams, customer service, bad paperwork, fake perks, and the horrible truth that adulthood is mostly just admin work with consequences. Somehow, it’s also very funny.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
This thing on. Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night.
Alive. It's alive. It's alive.
Welcome to the Black Lincoln Collective Podcast. Oh, it's gonna be fun. We can stay up late swapping manless stories in the morning.
I'll make it worth it. With your host, Parker. Featuring the sultry sounds of Fred, and also Ellen on the board.
Let's go already! And now, let's start the damn show. Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the In Your Face edition, number 239 of the Black Lincoln Collective Podcast. This thing on.
A whole lot of Fred. If you come to our YouTube to see Fred, you just saw a lot of him. Wait, I thought you fixed your tooth.
Is it gone again? Oh yeah, I threw it in my mouth. Oh, okay. It was just for a week.
It was just for a week. Welcome to the show. I feel like I should start over now.
I thought with a lift, when I have a man, I thought with a lift. I feel like we should start the show over. Don't, keep going man.
Okay, welcome to the show everybody. It's 239th edition of the Black Lincoln Collective Podcast. We can start the shit over.
Proudly broadcasting live from the Never Start Over Studios. Sponsored by the Easy Studios scattered all across the upstate. We are so glad you're with us.
On all the things and with all the places and America's favorite podcast.com. And then there's Fred. Boom, it's me. I'm here.
Hey, did you know that the earth is the only planet not named after a God? See, giving it to you. I don't think there are other planets. No, no, it's not.
It's not. What about that one? Yeah, don't be going way out in space. What about earth? Earth is the only planet not named after a God.
Earth is the only planet not named after a God. Great facts, Fred. Way to bring definitely true facts.
And now, Alan. Yay. What do you know, Alan? You tell me, huh? What do you know? I know that you can go fuck yourself.
Too early for all that. Well, welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen. We're so glad you're here.
It's been an eventful week in the lives of the people. What is that? CP going on back there. I wish you didn't know what that was.
Turn the light off, I guess. You got a roommate. I know.
That's a roommate. Well, anyway, Fred, I got to tell you a story. You're not going to like it because I don't like it.
Because those blind bastards got me again. Are you buying mice? No. Some of our eagle-eared listeners may recall about 120 episodes ago.
When I donated a vehicle. Oh, man. Heritage for the blind.
You did it again. No, no, no. Revenge.
This is revenge of the blind. So, well, okay. Again, our eagle-eyed YouTube listeners and viewers.
What do blind people need? We'll talk about it. I'll get to it. Don't worry.
I don't know. So I was there. Blind people on one side.
Cars on the other. And I saw a blueberry. And I didn't eat it, Fred, because I was like, it's not going to end this way.
So I moved recently. And so I had to change my address. And I was like, eh, you know, change my address to my new address.
It's like, you know, we kind of have to do that. So I did it. I did it online.
I did it on all the other stuff, no problem. And then I did it for my driver's license last because I was like, well, I don't want to have to go and do all that. But now you can do it online.
Yep. So I did it online. Like a kaputa.
Like a real nerd. And I was just like, look at these. Busting these.
Code this number. I'm hacking the DMV system to change my address. Hack the planet.
Exactly. Never die. Hackers never die.
So I changed my address, whatever. And they're like, cool, your address has changed. Congratulations.
Wasn't that hard to do. And then I was like, cool, well, I need another license because I need a license that reflects the correct address, right? Otherwise, why did I do this? Yeah, I come in for that shit. And so I said, no, you can order it.
Oh, yeah. And I said, order me up a license, please. Fake or real, I don't care.
Just give me one. And I went click and it went. We don't send licenses to people with suspended licenses.
What? And I was like, what? Is this on the computer? And it was just like, no, you can't get a new license. Out of all three of us, you're the only one that got warrants. That's crazy.
Right? Not the white one. It's always who you least suspect, Fred. Exactly.
I've been running this joint. I've been riding dirty. Apparently, Fred, up to two years, my license has been suspended.
Jesus Christ. So I was like, why has my license suspended? What is going on? I don't have any tickets. I don't have anything, you know? Was it a dead hooker in the trunk? I don't know.
I had to ask the DMV, was it the dead hooker or was it something else? Yeah. And hoping they'd say it's the dead hookers. Yeah.
You can go ahead and ignore it. She's not coming back. Right.
Here's her tag. Get her off the books. So, again, I donated this.
We donated a vehicle to the people. The kind folks at Heritage to the Blind. Heritage.
We're the enemy of the show, Fred. And they said, oh, because, hey, buddy, you're going to donate. You're going to help so many blind people.
It's going to be great. It's a van. Eight blinds.
Because I don't want to assume their genders, Fred. Or it could be dogs. I don't know.
They might help blind dogs or animals. What if they help blind bats? Was that the orange van that the cops came looking for you on? At one point, yeah. Yeah.
A drama van. I hope so. I hope that one has the dog.
So, I was like, okay. Let me look up what's happening. So, I went back.
In South Carolina, the state that we live in. And we broadcast from. Apparently, if you don't turn in your thing, your tag properly, they expect you to have insurance on the car.
If you don't have proof of insurance on the car, they suspend your license. So, when Heritage for the Blind people talked to me, they're like, dude, we will take care of everything. We will also give you.
They're like, what did you say? Why is there an enemy of the show again? Well, let me tell you why, Fred. They didn't. Because that was two years ago.
I thought you called them up. No, I had. No, I was like, wait.
They've been riding dirty in your car. Yeah. So.
And then I have also been riding dirty in turn. It's ridiculous. Rule number one.
Never trust the blind, gang. I should have known that. You won't see it coming.
Never do. Never do. So, I was like, shit.
So, I looked it up. Like I said, I found out. And so, I was like, what do I do? I looked at what it says.
Like, hey, you can get reinstatement fees. $400. Oh, no, no, no.
$400 to reinstate my license. And I was like, well, I'm not paying that. I got a blind man that lives down the street from me.
He'll attest to it. Make him pay for it. I've seen it.
Yeah, he saw it. He wasn't blind two years ago. I don't think.
He wasn't as blind. But it said, if you have proof or whatever, you can, well, send it in or whatever. We'll fix it.
So, I was like, okay. Well, I did do this. I did donate this vehicle.
I did do it. So, I was like, let me call the blind people and see. Suddenly, they were blind and deaf.
Exactly. That's me. That's him.
Sorry, we don't send out emails or anything anymore. We're blind. What do you want from us? How could we send that to you? So, I call them.
I'm like, hey, blindies. Is that a derogatory term for blind people? Not today. Not today.
I don't know if this guy was blind. But, I was like, hey. He sounded blind.
He sounded like he didn't like his job. That's fine. I was like, what are you hitting? I hear you clicking buttons.
He's like, I just hit the buttons. I just like the sound. I just hit the buttons.
No one knows. It's fine. So, I call them.
I'm like, hey, get me proof. Because you never gave me proof when you came and got the car. Get me the proof that I gave you the car.
They didn't give you no paperwork? No. That's what I'm saying. They just came and got the car.
The guy just came and got the car. You didn't get no tax write-off for it? No, I didn't get any of it. So, what'd you give it to them for? Because they promised me a tax write-off.
A three-night, a two-day, three-night, wait, wait, wait, three-night, two-day stay in a hotel of my choice and a $200 restaurant voucher, which we will get to shortly. I was about to say, you come on, man. You're leaving off the meat, man.
You're giving me all bone. At the time, I was like, I didn't care because they took it away. It was dead to me.
So, I call them and I'm like, hey guys, I need to get proof of this because you're fucking me up. You told me that you would take care of this and you didn't take care of it. What's up with that? They're like, oh, well, sorry, whatever.
They're like, we're blind. So, what do you want us to do? I'm like, well, just send me a letter that says thank you for donating your car on this date and let me have it. They're like, okay, no problem.
We'll get it in the mail this week. And I'm like, wait a minute, not mail because for one thing, mail, and secondly, I legally can't pick up my kids from school right now. I need it today.
I was like, so you can email it, right? They're like, yeah, we can email it. We'll let the people know. It's a different department.
And I'm like, can you transfer me to the department so that I can... I don't want no secondhand information being passed. And they're like, no, they don't have a number. And I'm like, yes, I swear to God.
The guy's like, no, they don't have a number. I was like, yes, they fucking do. I know they do.
How do you know they're even there then? Todd, they do have a number. Raul, it was Raul. How do you speak to them? I was like, how do you know they exist if you can't get in contact with them? And so he's like, don't worry, they'll get it to you.
And I was like, all right. He's like, just be on the lookout, bud. And I was like, all right.
I know where y'all at. I'm going down there. They're in California.
No, they're in New York. What? And California. Carpetbaggers.
They're all over the place. Wherever there's blind people, you're going to find them right behind you, breathing down your neck. So, they... I'm like, okay.
They're like, we'll get it to you. Okay. That was Monday.
No, nothing on Monday. To Tuesday, I'm like, here we go again. The squeaky wheel is the one that gets the grease.
And I'm not... I don't have time to fuck around with this. So, I call him back first thing in the morning. First thing, I talk to the same guy.
There's one guy in all of the Arizona line. He's the one with the whole thing. And I'm like, dude.
I'm like, hey, I'm trying to get a hold of this. He's like, yeah, you called yesterday, right? I'm like, yeah. And he's like, well, I didn't... Did you get it? And I'm like, well, if I got it, I would not be calling you right now.
What do you think? So, he's like, well, okay. Well, they'll get it to you. And I'm like, I need it today, bro.
Like, find me them. Get me in touch with them. And he's like, I can't, but I'll try to reach out to them.
And I'm like, whatever, dude. I really, really need to understand this is important. They got you by the balls, bro.
So, that afternoon, like 30 minutes later, they sent it to me. Which I was like, cool. And I told him, I was like, I'm gonna call you every day until I get it.
Well, thanks, Fred. No, don't worry. Don't worry, Fred.
It gets worse. This is by no means the end of this story. This is barely even the beginning.
This was what I thought was the biggest hurdle. Turned out to be not the biggest hurdle at all. So, I get it.
I'm like, it's too late in the day for me to go to the DMV today because it's like Tuesday afternoon and I just have shit to do. So, I'm like, I'm just gonna keep driving around and just hope I don't get pulled over. I saw more fucking cops in the last two days than I've ever seen in my life.
And so, I'm like, okay, cool. You know, get home, whatever, no big deal. Oh, well, I get home and I look at the email because I'm like, oh, they sent it to me, right? And I get my, and I'm like, hooray! Look at this.
They also sent me my three-day, two-night voucher and my $200 restaurant gift card. This is great. You know what, Fred? You can have it all.
Because it's all a sham. It's not a $200 restaurant gift card, Fred. $200 worth of credits to restaurant.com. Not even restaurant shop.com. You buy coupons for shitty restaurants near you.
I'm not even kidding. I looked it up, I'm like, I don't recognize any one of these restaurants in all of Greenville. Restaurant.com. Restaurant singular.
Singular, Fred. I gotta look it up. Why you do? I'm telling you, restaurant.com. Look it up and then look up where you live.
Look up wherever you live in the country, listeners. I'm not trying to tell you to stop listening to the show to do this. Do it while you do this.
Papa's Restaurant. Have you heard of that ever in your life? No. Have you heard of any of these restaurants? Everything, Egg Roll.
I've heard of that place because it had a food truck. That's the only reason. Extended Cup, Recons, Latinos.
No. Pete's. I've heard of Pete's.
Pete's. I've heard of Corona. Wing Joint.
But that's in another state. Yeah, that's in Anderson. That's why you won't be in another state, as far as I'm concerned.
So, I didn't get $200. I just have 20,000 restaurant.com points. I'm not kidding you, listeners.
Reach out to me. I will buy you whatever coupon you want on restaurant.com. I got you. I will hook you up.
If it's anywhere near you, I will make it happen for you because that's how much this is ridiculous. That's restaurant.com. I'm like, okay, well, whatever. I didn't expect to get it anyway, but at least I got my three-day, two-night, or whatever vacation of my dreams wherever I want to go.
Maybe not, Fred. Maybe not. Maybe.
Just maybe, Fred. It isn't that. It is a hotel stay in one of six places that you have to write a letter to the people to ask if they can get the days.
Write a letter, Fred. It's literally... Not an email. No, you can't email them.
If you email us on their website, then you have to write the letter to go with the email. I wish I was getting... But it's true. This is called travelsafehotels.com. I can say three exciting days and two fun-filled nights in any of the following places.
You ready, Fred? Now, get ready. You tell me if one of these strikes your fancy, okay? Las Vegas, Nevada, of course. But that's a long... Yeah, that's a long wait for three days and two nights.
Well, there's a gamut of hotels in Las Vegas, too, right? Right. It's not like they're all five-star hotels. Off the strip.
But if you're like, hey, I want to go to Nevada, but I don't want to go to Las Vegas. You're going to be staying at that casino that Chevy Chase with you. Pick a number.
If I don't want to go to Vegas, though, Fred, I can go to Laughlin, Nevada. Laughlin. Or Branson, Missouri, which you know we love Branson, Missouri on this show.
No, not Branson, no. We love our friends in Branson, Missouri. Branson, Missouri.
That's where Yakov Smirnoff has his residency. I'm in misery. Oh, God, no.
I know that song and I hate it. I hate you for even saying that on this show, Fred. I'm in misery.
Met a girl from Missouri. Now I am in misery. Met a girl in Tennessee.
She's the only 10 I see. And that is, I'm sorry. So, Gatlinburg, Pigeon Forge, the great Memphis, Tennessee.
I wouldn't be against that. Hey, I'd go to Memphis. Orlando, Myrtle Beach, El Paso, Atlantic City, Baton Rouge, Yuma, Arizona, which I've been to, not that great.
Puerto Velarto, Mexico, Niagara Falls, and Fargo. You have to send a letter to each. Yeah, you have to send and you have to ask for... Yeah, like, so you gotta wait for the letter to get there.
You have to say, so they only take checks. Or money orders. And it's literally, this is a reservation request form they sent me.
It says, check this box, make all checks payable to this people. I wish to utilize Plan P and I have enclosed a check or money order for $29.95 to cover all room taxes and listed two arrival dates in city below. Dates may be phoned in or submitted on our website at a later time if not known at this time.
That is insane, bro. Like, that's why, you don't pay to help nobody. Don't pay to help nobody.
No, and like the whole thing, it's that, it's that sheet, it's a list of things and then everything else is red tape. It's all red tape. It would have been better to do cars for cash.
I should have just sold it like I wanted to sell it. I should have just scrapped it. I was talked out of it.
We should have got it detailed and we could have sold it to a lovely immigrant couple for a thousand dollars. And they'd have driven it for a hundred years. Yeah, man.
Because it was a great vehicle. Yeah. But mistakes were made.
Plenty of mistakes were made around that time. A lot of mistakes. Anyway, so I'm like, okay, well, I guess I got what I needed.
Great. We're going to go ahead and head over to the DMV this morning. This is this morning.
And I'm going to knock it out. But then I remember on the way to the DMV, oh, Wednesday at the DMV, they don't open until late because they train Wednesday mornings at the DMV. So they don't open until 930.
So I have to wait. What do you mean training on how to be mean? How to be slow? They were so nice to me, Fred. They were so flippant nice.
Really? No, sort of, yeah. I'm proud of them. So I get there and I'm like, all right, in line.
And the guy's like walking outside. He's like, what is everybody doing? I'll tell you what, if there's forms you got to do before they open up. Because they're like, we want to get you in and out.
We don't want you to be here all day. And so they're like, here's the form for whatever. Your new license.
Just go ahead and fill it out while you're waiting in line. So we can go ahead and knock this shit out. And so I'm like, I don't need a form.
I have a suspended license. I need to get unsuspended. I have proof that I didn't do it.
He's like, all right, they'll talk to you about it. I was like, cool. So no form for me.
Get in there, sit for two minutes. And then the lady calls me up. And I'm like, here, I tell her what's going on.
And she's like, okay, let me see the proof that you have. And so I'm like, here is the proof that I have. And she's like, okay, this is not going to work.
Two days and two nights? I was like, you're three days and two nights in Yuba, Nevada. Whatever. In Branson, Missouri, honey.
That's what it takes. I slid that brochure across the counter. And I said, you do what it takes to make this happen.
And this is yours. I said, here's $200 worth of credit. Restaurants.com. Falafel Goddess? Oh, I love that place.
I'm like, do you like restaurants that do that? That don't actually exist? You're going to love this Yuba. So she's like, that's not going to work. And I'm like, what do you mean that's not going to work? That's what I have.
That's all they have. That's what they gave me. And she's like, well, it just says the make and model of your car.
It doesn't say the VIN number. So you can't, like, we can't prove that it's your car. And I was like, okay, well.
She's like, why don't you. She was nice. She's just doing her job.
I think she knew, I think she was worried I was going to freak out. Because, again, this haircut that I got. The new haircut.
Yeah, it's not. It makes me look fucking mean as shit. It screams Proud Boy.
Right, it does. It says, I would like my January 6th reparations, please. I'm going to put up towards the show, Fred.
I'm going to spend all my January 6th reparations on restaurant.com. So. So. I'm like, well, shit.
What am I. She's like, we'll call. She's like, step out of line. Like, call them back.
See if they get to you real quick. And I was like, they don't. They're blind.
They don't do anything quick. And she was like, what? I was like, she looked at it. She laughed.
She's like, okay, just if you could get it today, come back. And I was like, okay. She didn't ask if I drove, mind you.
Which I was like. I was preparing. Lady, I walked all the way here.
I walked a thousand miles. It took three buses. She's like, email it to us.
And then we can. We'll get it taken care of, right? And I was like, okay, cool. She's like, or you can go ahead and pay $400.
I said, well, that's never going to happen. So. And this is the part that allegedly could have happened, Fred.
Allegedly, I may or may not have foregoed a phone call to them and instead went on my computer, because this is what I do for a job, and added my VIN number and reprinted that shit out and sent it to them. And came back 10 minutes later, allegedly 10 minutes later, and said, hey, they did it. They sent it over.
Yeah. Here you go. And the lady was like, wow, that was really nice of them.
And I said, you know what? I'm starting to think that they're all right. I take everything back. I was like, these blindies are great.
She's like, okay. So here's what I have to do. I have to send this to my superiors.
And they will judge if it will work, if it'll lift the suspension or not. They smell a rat. We've dealt with these blind phones before.
She's like, so sit tight. Go over there and sit down for a few minutes. I'll come get you.
It could be 10 minutes. It could be an hour. But I'll come get you when they tell me what's up.
And so I'm like, here we go. Again, keep in mind. You're in jail for fraud.
I allegedly went to jail for defrauding the government. And this is one time you don't want to defraud the government. Allegedly.
But I didn't do that, Fred. They're coming after their enemies. I didn't do that, Fred.
He's all right. He's got the complexion for the protection. They look at the cameras.
They're like, hey, man, come on, look at me. Sign the papers, Johnson. He's like, are you an American? What kind of American? I'm like, look at this haircut.
They're like, we know, buddy. Never mind. We know.
So, yeah. I'm sitting there for an eternity. It was maybe 15 minutes.
And the lady's like, comes around the corner. She's like, hey, you, come here. And I was like, oh, shit.
She didn't look happy. And she had a letter in her hand. And I was like, oh.
They looked it up, and they found out I didn't call them. They called fucking the boys and ratted me out. Allegedly.
And she's like, hands me the thing. She's like, you're good to go. I was like, oh.
Look at that. Forgery. Allegedly.
Wednesday. So I was like, if you're going to get something done, you've got to do it yourself. So, then I'm like, well, now I need a new license.
Because I need the license. And she's like, oh, okay, yeah. She's like, well, we'll get one ordered for you.
10 bucks. They don't even print them in-house anymore. Which is fine.
But I was like, well, I need one because I've got to give my kids a roll to the new school. And she's like, oh, we'll go over there and we'll get your picture or whatever and give you a temporary license. We'll mail you the other one.
I was like, great. No problem. She helped me with that too.
Super great lady. No problems at all with her. And then I took my picture.
I looked at my picture. And I was like, oh, shit. I look like a fucking Nazi.
So, I look mad as hell. And I wasn't even that mad. But it had been a long morning.
So, it was a mess. But I got it done. Fuck Heritage for the Blind.
Fuck restaurant.com. Fuck whatever that other travel thing is. That is shitty. I'm still going to sign up.
I'm still going to send it in. I'm going to send a self-addressed stamped envelope and a money order for $29.95. I'm thinking about it. Where are you going to go? I don't know.
Where should we take the show? Spartanburg. We'll go to Greenville, South Carolina. We can use our coupons.
Unfortunately, Greenville is not on the list. So, we lose out on that one. That's okay.
You know what? We're here. We did it. Yeah, that's crazy.
Speaking of $400, we just got fucked out of $400. So, we had the T-Mobile home internet. Ah, yes.
The old T-Mobile scam. Yeah. And we switched over to Spectrum.
I kept telling my wife. I was like, you got to take that box back. You got to take that box back.
Oh, yeah. Because they're charging you for that box. Yeah.
And she never fucking took that box back. $400 comes out of our damn account. And she calls them up.
She's like, what? I got the box right here. I'll just take it up there. And they were like, okay, you do that and we'll get the money back.
Fucking, she took it up there. Still ain't got our money back. Still ain't got our money back.
Man, I was like, you took it out. You took it out so fucking fast. Why you can't throw it back in there? They take it out in seconds, man.
It just takes forever to get it back. That's crazy, man. We did that with the cable boxes at one point.
When I moved last time, I was like, do you guys need me to send you my stuff? And they're like, we don't care. And I was like, are you going to charge me? And they're like, no, we don't care. We don't care.
The boxes were old anyway. Cable boxes from like, you had boxes for like 20 years. Remember the ones with the ruined green? Those were the days.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, we'll take a quick break and we'll be back with more of the Illuminati.
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